A Twisted Power Rangers Christmas Songbook
by C.A. Turner
Summary: Ah, Christmas! Such joyful, happy memories! It reminds me of... Aw, just read and review!


_**DISCLAIMER:** OK, This typeface seemed right, given the time of year this is about. The songs aren't mine, they're Bob Rivers' Twisted Christmas Group, except for I HopeYour Christmas Didn't Suck Too Bad This Year, written by Jay Snider , and the Power Rangers Aren't mine either, they're Saban's. Yup, The 12 Pains Of Christmas is here, too! Parody time folks!_

**A TWISTED POWER RANGERS CHRISTMAS SONGBOOK**

**By**

**C.A. TURNER**

**The Chimney Song**

Kat is sitting in the window, looking towards the skies, and starts singing like a little girl:

**KAT:** There's something stuck up in the chimney

and I don't know what it is

but it's been there all night long.

well, I waited up for Santa all Christmas night

but he never came and it don't seem right.

And there's something in the chimney

And it doesn't make a sound,

But I wish you a merry Christmas.

There's something stuck up in the chimney

And I don't know what it is,

But it's been there all week long.

Well the dog keeps barking up the chimney flue

And we don't know what we're gonna do.

Cause there's something in the chimney

And it doesn't move around

And it's been a week since Christmas.

There's something stuck up in the chimney

And I don't know what it is

But it's been there all month long.

Well, it's jammed up tight above the fireplace

Now the house smells funny, such a big disgrace.

That there's something in the chimney

And it doesn't talk at all

And it's been there since last Christmas.

There's something stuck up in the chimney

And I don't know what it is

But it's been there all year long.

I'll be waiting up for Santa like I did last year

But my brother says, he's already here...

And he's stuck up in the chimney

And he doesn't say a word

And he'll be there every Christmas.

And we'll have him every Christmas.

**THE RESTROOM DOOR SAID "GENTLEMEN"**

CHORUS: Carter, Joel, Chad, Ryan, Wes, Lucas, Trip, Eric, Cam.

**CHORUS:** The restroom door said "Gentlemen,"

so I just walked inside.

I took two scents and realized

I was taken for a ride.

I heard high voices, turned and found

the place was occupied,

By two nuns, three old ladies and a nurse.

What could be worse?

Than two nuns, three old ladies and a nurse.

Solo by Eric

**ERIC:** The restroom door said "Gentlemen,"

it must have been a gag.

As soon as I walked in there,

I ran into some old hag.

She sprayed me with a can of mace

and smacked me with her bag.

I could tell this just wouldn't be my day.

What thing could I say?

It just wasn't turning out to be my day.

Chorus resumes

**CHORUS:** The restroom door said "Gentlemen,"

and I would like to find,

The crummy little creep who had

the nerve to switch the sign.

Cause I've got two black eyes

and one high-heel up my behind.

Now I can't sit with comfort and joy.

Boy, oh boy.

No, I'll never sit with comfort and joy.

**WRECK THE MALLS**

Kira jams on her guitar(Electric, for once)

**KIRA:** Wreck the malls this Christmas season

Fa-la-la-la-la, La-la-la-la;

Blow your cash for no good reason

Fa-la-la-la-la, La-la-la-la;

Push your charge card to the limit

Fa-la-la, La-la-la, La-la-la;

Checkbook now has nothing in it.

Fa-la-la-la-la, La-la-la-la;

Trent joins, sounding like a muscle bound guy from the Bronx

**TRENT:** Wreck the malls with my friend Charlie

Fa-la-la-la-la, La-la-la-la;

Drive through K-Mart on his Harley

Fa-la-la-la-la, La-la-la-la;

Kira resumes

**KIRA:** Tamper with their muzak system

Fa-la-la, La-la-la, La-la-la;

Trade something for Twisted Sister

Fa-la-la-la-la, La-la-la-la.

**CONNER:** When do we sing?

**ETHAN:** Yeah, all we're doing is the 'Fa-la-la's

**KIRA:** There's a reason for that!

**CONNER:** Now _that_ was brutal!

Kira resumes singing

**KIRA:** Wreck the pet store, do some damage

Fa-la-la-la-la, La-la-la-la;

Send the beagles on a rampage

Fa-la-la-la-la, La-la-la-la;

Acting in an uncouth manner

Fa-la-la, La-la-la, La-la-la;

Drop your pants and moon at Santa

Fa-la-la-la-la, La-la-la-la.

**O COME ALL YE GRATEFUL DEADHEADS**

Chorus: Cassie, Ashley, TJ, Carlos, Andros, and Zhane

**CHORUS:** O come, all ye Grateful,

Deadheads to the concert.

O come, Grateful Deadheads,

And camp in the street.

Bring rolling papers,

Don't forget your sleeping bags.

O come get us some floor seats,

We've followed them for four weeks,

O come get us some floor seats,

To see the Lord.

O come, all ye hippies,

Throwbacks to the Sixties.

Paint flowers on your van,

And don't wash your feet.

Wear your bell-bottoms,

And your tie-dye t-shirts.

O come let us adore them,

We've quit our day jobs for them,

O come let us adore, them,

Garcia's the Lord.

TOY SACK 

Tommy, Trini, Kimberly, Zack, and Jason as the B-52's

**TOMMY**: If you look up in the sky

On the night before Christmas,

There's a big fat guy with a...

**KIMBERLY:** Toy sack!

Toy sack, yeah!

**TRINI:** It's squeezing down your fireplace Christmas day!

**TRINI & KIMBERLY:** A million Barbie dolls packed away

Boxed up in a sack on a sleigh

**ZACK:** That jingle bell parka is a big as a whale

They put everything in the toy sack

They shove in a Chrysler

And a TV from Sony

So, hurry up, and pack that Shetland pony!

**TRINI & KIMBERLY**: The toy sack is a magical place where Santa puts the presents

Toy sack, baby!

**JASON:** This sack's heavy!

**TRINI & KIMBERLY**: Toy sack!

Break Santa's back!

Call a chiropractor

Crack Santa's back!

**ZACK:** Luggin', and a tuggin,

Huffin'and a puffin'

Reachin' in the bag

There's an Easy-Bake Oven!

Now back up the chimney

Yeah, it's strainin' Santa's jimmies!

The sack's not skinny

But every year he lugs it

Around and around and around and around!

**TRINI & KIMBERLY:** Reindeer are a hoofin'

Ain't no time for goofin' baby!

**ZACK:** Elves lining up to pack toys for your town, baby

**TRINI & KIMBERLY:** Bag is always movin'

Somethin's in there poopin', baby!

**ZACK:** Puppies in the sack!

There's puppies in the sack!

**TRINI & KIMBERLY:** The toy sack is a magical place where Santa puts the presents

Toy sack, baby!

**JASON:** This sack's heavy!

**TRINI & KIMBERLY:** Toy sack!

Break Santa's back!

Call a chiropractor

Crack Santa's back!

**TRINI & KIMBERLY:** Toy sack!

**ZACK:** Sing a little louder!

**TRINI & KIMBERLY:** Toy sack!

**ZACK: **I can't hear you!

**TRINI & KIMBERLY:** Toy sack! (4 more times)

**ZACK:** Have a what?

**TRINI: MERRY**

**CHRISTMAS!**

**TRINI & KIMBERLY:** Toy sack

Santa's toy sack!

Toy sack

Santa's toy sack!

**ZACK:** Have a merry Christmas!

That's a lot of toys in the toy sack!

**I'm Dressin' Up Like Santa (When I get Out on Parole) **

Prison cell. Carter is there, about to sing

**CARTER:** I'm Dressin' Up Like Santa Claus on Christmas  
As soon as I can get out on parole  
I'll hang out on your street  
Your kids I'd love to meet  
As soon as I get out of this rat hole

I won't mind just sliding down your chimney  
'Cause I just spent fifteen years shovelin' coal  
I'm dressin' up like Santa Claus on Christmas  
As soon as I can get out on parole

I'm anxious to get out among the living  
And I'm makin' up a list of those to see  
Duded up in red and white instead of these old stripes  
Just think of how surprised they will be

The old home town will sure be glad to see me  
'Cause by now it slipped their minds how much I stole  
I'm dressin' up like Santa Claus on Christmas  
As soon as I can get out on parole

I'm careful to be on my best behavior  
'Cause the warden's watching every thing I do  
Thank God he didn't see that fight in cell block 3  
Or I'd be stuck here till I'm 92  
Just a few more questions from that nice committee  
Then through those rusty gates I'll proudly stroll  
I'm dressin' up like Santa Claus on Christmas  
As soon as I can get out on parole  
As soon as I can get out on parole

WE WISH YOU WEREN'T LIVING WITH US 

Chorus: Kimberly, Zack, Trini, Jason, Tommy, Kat, Tanya, Rocky, Billy, Cole, Taylor, Merrick, Danny, Max, Alyssa, Conner, Trent, Ethan, Kira.  
  
**CHORUS:** We wish you weren't living with us,  
We wish you weren't living with us,  
We wish you weren't living with us,  
We're not happy you're here.  
  
You drive everybody crazy,  
You're hopelessly fat and lazy,  
You're constantly in the way here,  
So pack up your gear.

**ADAM:** GET OUT!  
  
**CHORUS:** You're feeding your face,  
You're taking up space,  
We wish you weren't living with us,  
We're not happy you're here.

**ADAM:** CLOSE THE REFRIGERATOR!  
  
**CHORUS:** Correct us if we're mistaken  
But those are long distance calls you're makin'  
How long do you plan on takin'  
Advantage of us?

**ADAM:** PAY UP!!  
  
**CHORUS:** We wish you weren't living with us,   
We wish you weren't living with us,  
We wish you weren't living with us,  
Get out of town.  
**ADAM:** NOW!

**A Visit From St. Nicholson **

Zack is reading aloud to a group of kids sitting around him.

**ZACK:** 'Twas the fright before Christmas; no one upset me  
With a big bowl of popcorn, watching TV  
I stretched, gave a yawn, settled back in my chair  
In hopes that St. Nicholson soon would be there

The children were lying awake without sleep  
They'd seen all his movies; he gives them the creeps  
I'd cued up "Cuckoo's Nest" with my trusty remote  
To the part where he had all the nuts in the boat

When out in the yard there arose such a noise  
I turned off the TV to see what it was  
And what to my wondering eyes should approach   
But the Los Angeles Lakers and Pat Riley their coach

The limo was racing, the team at its heels  
That's when I saw him, the man at the wheel  
He ranted and cursed, waved 'round his swizzle stick  
And I knew in a second it must be Jack Nic'

More rapid than the Celtics these Lakers they came  
He screamed like a madman and called them by name

Jason joins, imitating Jack Nicholson  
**JASON:** "Now, Magic! Now, Worthy! Now, Scott and Kareem!  
On, Cooper! On, Rambis and the rest of the team!"

Down the chimney St. Nicholson came with a groan  
Then he brushed off the soot and said...

**JASON:** "Honey, I'm home."

**ZACK:** He was wearing a trench coat; with beer it was stained  
And his shirt clawed to shreds by Shirley MacLaine

He had a fat face and a flabby beer belly  
From too many trips to the bar and the deli  
**JASON:** "Its tough when an actor becomes fat and lazy  
I only get calls to play weirdoes and crazies   
And middle-aged has-beens with washed-up careers  
But I'll fix 'em all and play Santa this year!"

Zack resumes his tale

**ZACK:** And with that he buried his head in the sack and said  
**JASON:** "Let's see what you get from your old buddy Jack  
A hatchet for Daddy," he reared back his head  
"To scare all those little buggers upstairs in bed  
And a stiff drink for Mommy in a nice tall glass  
She can really use somethin' to kill that bug up her chimney"

Zack takes over again

**ZACK:** With a wink of his eye and a twist of his face  
He threw all the stockings into the fireplace  
What could I do? What would I say?   
What would I wear on my feet Christmas day?  
I asked for a reason, and turning his head  
He looked straight at me, and here's what he said

**JASON:** "Why? Do you wanna know why? Do you really wanna know why, Pal?   
I'll tell you why  
When you're out Christmas shoppin'  
You know, doin' your little Christmas things with  
All your little Christmas friends  
Spreadin' all that Christmas cheer with those stupid Christmas songs  
Did ya ever stop and think  
Of pickin' up a little something for ol' Jack? Huh?  
Did ya ever stop to think what Jack might like for Christmas?  
"You know! Jack, from the movies... up on the big screen...  
Pourin' his heart out, givin' it everything he's got Day in and day out  
Just trying as hard as he can to bring a tiny little bit of sunshine  
Into your miserable little humdrum lives  
"Did ya ever think of good ol' Jack, huh? For a second? No!  
Not once! Maybe ol' Jack just wasn't that good, huh?  
Maybe I wasn't good enough in 'The Postman Always Rings Twice.'  
Actin' my guts out for ya in that one  
'Cuckoo's Nest,' 'The Shining,' 'Witches of Freakin' Eastwick,' 'Prizzi's Freakin' Honor' 'Batman'  
All for you, Pal. Just to brighten things up for ya.  
"Not good enough, though, is it? No!  
You want me to brighten up the Christmas season, too, huh?  
Isn't that what you want, Pal?  
OK, let's make things real bright around here   
What do you say we decorate the tree?  
String up these pretty lights here  
Oh, she's lookin' brighter already  
Why don't we take this cute little angel  
And ram her on the top branch, huh? Huh? Heh-heh-heh.  
How 'bout some gasoline for the whole freakin' thing  
Honey, let's make her just as bright as she can be  
"Whaddya say we light her up  
And chuck her through the ol' picture window here, huh, Pal?  
No sense havin' a tree as bright as all that  
Without givin' the neighbors a chance to see, don't ya think? Huh?  
There! Aren't you glad ol' Jack stopped by? Huh? Huh? Huh? Hah!"

Zack resumes, and boy, at this point, are we grateful!

**ZACK:** The flames towered brightly in the cold wintry sky  
As he made for his limo and bade his goodbye  
And an age may unfold ere I fail to regret  
That visit from St. Nicholson, which I'd sooner forget

But I swear by the goose bumps upon my skin  
That I'll always remember that devilish grin  
And his voice crying out ere he faded from sight  
**JASON:** "Merry Christmas to all, and I hope I never see ya again  
As long as I live, for cryin' out loud!"

**Chipmunks Roasting On An Open Fire**

Max starts to sing, as he is standing next to a roaring yule fire

**MAX:** Chipmunks roasting on an open fire  
Hot sauce dripping from their toes  
("Oh! That tickles!")  
Yuletide squirrels fresh filleted by the choir  
They poked hot skewers through their nose   
("Ow! Wrong end, ya cowboy!")  
Everybody knows some pepper and a garlic clove  
Help to make them seasoned right  
Tiny rats with a crisp golden coat  
Will really hit the spot tonight  
  
And now when Santa sees his tray  
("Ho ho ho ho ho ho")  
There'll be some homemade chipmunk jerky for his sleigh  
("Mmmm...Hey, look at that!")  
And every hungry child is gonna spy  
To see if chipmunks really sing when they fry  
And so I'm brushing on some honey glaze  
To keep them crisp and juicy too  
Let's hope they get served many times many ways  
Tasty Chipmunks; good food  
Merrick is dressed like a Mr. Seville  
**MERRICK:** On that, Mr. Cole,  
**MAX:** Yes, sir, Mr. Seville?  
**MERRICK:** Would you mind handing me the barbeque sauce? I am starved!  
**MAX: **Oh,no problem Dave. Hey listen, you best be havin' two of those drumsticks, because they're oh-so tiny and there ain't much meat upon 'em  
(What about animal rights, Dave?)  
**MERRICK:** Put a sock in it Alvin. You know, for years people said you over-rated hamsters were my meal ticket. Now I guess you could just say you're my meal!  
**MAX:** That's a good one, Dave...I always knew you was the funny one in the group!"  
**MERRICK**: Damn straight!  
Max resumes singing  
**MAX:** And so I'm offering some recipes  
From chipmunk pie to chipmunk stew  
I'm not really sad that it ended this way  
Furry chipmunks... screw you  
  
**MERRICK:** Did you hear that Alvin? Alvin? Allllviiiiin?"  
**MAX:** Why, I'm sorry Dave, did you want Alvin? There's plenty of Theodore left though..."

Parody of Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer by Elmo & Patsy)  
  
**TOMMY:** Osama got run over by a reindeer  
Right outside his cave on Christmas Eve  
Some folks say there's no such thing as Santa   
But now even the Taliban believe  
  
Osama thought we'd never find him  
But even little children know  
Santa knows who's been real naughty  
In those hard Afgani mountains capped with snow   
  
Al-quiada found him Christmas morning  
Face down on that mountain pass  
There were hoof marks on his turban  
And a broken reindeer antler up his oh-ho-ho-ho-ho  
  
Osama got run over by a reindeer  
Being near his cave door on christmas eve  
You can say theres no such thing as karma  
But if you saw those hoof marks you'd believe  
  
Sing it  
  
Osama got run over by a reindeer  
Now he's not around on Christmas day  
He was hopin he'd be metting Allah  
The only thing he met was Santa's sleigh   
  
Merry Christmas  
  
Ooh, that's gotta hurt!

**WALKIN' 'ROUND IN WOMEN'S UNDERWEAR**

Chorus: Shane, Dustin, Cam, Blake  
  
**CHORUS:** Lacey things, Tori's missin'  
Didn't ask for her permission  
I'm wearin' her clothes, her silk pantyhose  
Walking 'round in women's underwear  
  
In the store, there's a teddy  
With little straps like spaghetti  
It holds me so tight, like handcuffs at night  
Walking 'round in women's underwear  
  
In the office there's a guy named Melvin  
He pretends that I am Murphy Brown   
He'll say, "Are you read?", I'll say, "Wooohh man!   
Just wait until Tori's out of town..."

By now, Tori is pissed...and rightfully so.  
  
Later on, if you wanna  
We can dress like Madonna  
Put on some eyeshade, and join the parade  
Walking 'round in women's underwear  
  
Lacey things, missing  
Didn't ask, permission  
Wearing her clothes, silk pantyhose  
Walking 'round in women's underwear...  
  
Walking 'round in women's underwear...  
Walking 'round in women's underwear!

**TORI**(charging in with a alunimum baseball bat): YOU BASTARDS ARE DEAD MEAT!

Tori starts swinging

**TEDDY THE RED NOSED SENATOR**

Cassie, Ashley, Zhane, TJ, Carlos, and Andros as the Chorus

**CHORUS:** You know Hitler, and Caesar, and Stalin, and Nixon , the Ayatollah, and David the Clansman, but do you recall, the most famous politician of all?

Billy steps forward and starts to sing

**BILLY:** Teddy the red-nosed senator  
Had a very shiny car,  
And if you ever saw it,  
You were probably near a bar.

All of the other senators  
Wondered how he got his dames,  
They thought he drank too many  
To join in any bedroom games.

Then one foggy Christmas eve,  
Santa came to say,  
"Teddy with your nose so red,  
Won't you help me guide my sled?

That's how the police found them  
Wrapped around the maple tree,  
Teddy, the red-nosed senator,  
He's a drunken S.O.B.!

**CHORUS:** He's a drunken S.O.B.!

**I Hope Your Christmas Didn't Suck Too Bad This Year **

Hunter looks at everyone in the audience  
  
**HUNTER:** Christmas is over  
Too bad that it's gone  
But now that it's over  
It's time for this song  
  
I hope your Christmas didn't suck too bad this year  
'Cause Christmas tends to suck, don't you agree?  
I hope that Christmas didn't suck too bad this year  
'Cause Christmas tended to suck pretty bad for me  
  
Christmas Muzak everywhere you go  
Makes me lose my lunch  
Come here, fatso Santa boy  
Here's a little punch  
  
I hope that Christmas didn't suck too bad this year  
'Cause Christmas tended to suck pretty bad for me  
  
Crowded malls and talking dolls  
They all scream so hard  
Blow your hard-earned dough  
So you're a slave to MasterCard  
  
I hope your Christmas didn't suck too bad this year  
'Cause Christmas tended to suck pretty bad for me   
Christmas tended to suck for me  
Christmas tended to suuuuuuuuuuuuuck pretty bad for me  
  
_Words and Music by Jay Snyder _

Santa Claus Is Foolin' Around 

Kimberly speaks into microphone all sexed up

**KIMBERLY:** Hi, Santa. I've been waiting all year for you to come down my chimney.

Scene expands to reveal Kimberly at a microphone, with Jason holding a electric guitar, dressed like Bruce Springsteen, Tommy, Zack, Trini, Kimberly, Kira, and Billy as his version of the 'E Street Band. Jason starts the song...

**JASON:** It's all cold after midnight mass, and the wind's whippin through the parking lot. Your girlfriend been acting funny?

**TOMMY**: Hey, big man, your old lady been walking around funny, like she's been with a really big man?

**JASON:** Yeah!

**TOMMY:** Oh, Man, that's not good! Finding Christmas cookie crumbs in your bed and a red stocking cap in the bathroom that ain't yours?

**JASON:** Yup.

**TOMMY:** Oh, man, I think I know what's goin' on around here!

Jason starts to sing

**JASON:** You better watch out for that holiday guy!

You shouldn't go out, I'm telling you why...

Santa Claus is foolin' around!

Santa's north polin' around!

Santa Claus is Foolin' around!

He's checking his list,

He's grabbin' his fly,

He's leavin' his gift,

Then hittin' the sky!

Santa Claus is foolin' around!

Santa's clothes are hitting the ground!

Santa's with your woman right now!

**TRINI**(also sexed up): Oh, Santa!

**JASON:** He creeps in when they're sleepin',

He charms them with his wink,

He's doing stuff no Santa should,

You'd better get home for Christmas' sake!

**ZACK & TOMMY:** Better get home and don't be late!

**JASON:** You better watch out for that man in the sky,

You better not trust that jolly old guy,

Santa Claus is foolin around,

Santa Claus is runnin around,

Mrs Claus is huntin him down!

Billy imitates Santa

**BILLY:** Booyah, Booyah!

Who's been a naughty girl?

Who's your Santa?

Who's your Santa?

Prancer, Vixen...Ho, Ho, Ho.

**KIRA:** Is that a candy cane in your pocket?

**JASON:** Santa Claus is foolin around,

set 'em up in every town,

Santa Claus is screwin' around

Santa's clothes are hittin' the ground!

Santa's at the chimney right now,

Slidin' down your bedroom right now...

Santa Claus is foolin around!

**KIMBERLY:** Oh, you have to go already? I know you're busy...call me!

**BILLY**(as Santa): HO HO HO!

**WHAT"S IT TO YA?**

Chorus: Kat, Tanya, Rocky, Adam, Cassie, Ashley, Carlos, TJ, Andros, Zhane, Cole, Taylor, Max, Alyssa, Merrick, and Danny, Led by Princess Shayla

**CHORUS:** What's it to ya?

What's it to ya?

What's it to ya?

What's it to ya?

What difference does it make?

What's it to ya?

What's it to ya?

What's it to ya?

What's it to ya?

What difference does it make?

Why don't you mind your own damn business?

What's it to ya?

What's it to ya?

Why must you bother me when I'm thinking?

What's it to ya?

What's it to ya?

What's it to ya?

What's it to ya?

Why don't you mind your own damn business?

What's it to ya?

What's it to ya?

It's none of your concern,

So just buzz off!

It's none of your concern,

So just buzz off!

So just buzz off!

And we shall complain forever and ever

And we shall complain forever and ever

And we shall complain forever and ever

And we shall complain forever and ever

Leave far from me,

And just walk afar

And we shall complain forever and ever

Don't bother

Don't bother

For ever and ever

What's it to ya?

What's it to ya?

What's it to ya?

What's... it... to... ya?

IT'S THE MOST FATTENING TIME OF THE YEAR 

A meal scene. Around the table, in order: Trini, Kimberly, Tommy, Zack, Dana, Cassie, Ashley, Cole, TJ, Andros, Carlos, Adam, Tanya, Jason, Kat, Billy, Zhane, Jen, Lucas, Wes, Eric, Taylor, Max, Princess Shayla, Merrick, Joel, Kelsey, Ryan, Chad, Alyssa, Kira, Ethan, Trent, Conner, Danny, Rocky, Karone, Katie, Trip, and Carter, who begins to sing

**CARTER:** It's the most fattening time of the year

With that pumpkin pie filling

and everyone swilling down eggnog and beer

It's the most fattening time of the year

It's the lip smackingest season of all

while your shopping you're cheating

impulsively eating that junk at the mall

It's the heav-heaviest season of all

There'll be turkeys for basting

and stuffing for tasting

and giblets and gravy will flow

there'll be cookies that mom baked

and leftover fruit cake from a christmas a long time ago

it's the scale flattening time of the year

while your diet you're blowing

there's calories going straight down to your rear

it's the scale flattening time of the year

Richard Simmons runs in and starts blathering about not eating instead.

**RICHARD SIMMONS:** Hey, Wait a minute, wait a minute! I know there's food everywhere! Eggnog just flowing out of fountains! But you don't have to do that! You can have small portions, or even none! And make ribbons instead of fudge! You can do it, please try!

He is promptly attacked by Trini, Kira, Conner, Ethan, Tommy, and Zack, while Kimberly says this:

**KIMBERLY:** Hey, Simmons, Shut the hell up! We have to do all that stupid shit you suggest all year long! It's Christmas, for Christ sakes! Give it a rest, or we're gonna force feed your ass!

**RICHARD SIMMONS: NO! PLEASE! HELLLLLLLLLP!**

Carter resumes singing

**CARTER:** There'll be after meal dosing

and arteries closing

cholesterol levels will grow

it's too cold to go jogging

to brisk for tobogganing

so pass me a hot buttered roll

**RICHARD SIMMONS:** Put down that roll!

**KIMBERLY: THAT'S IT! GET HIM!**

The aforementioned Rangers hogtie Richard to a chair, and start force feeding him food, while Carter resumes singing

**CARTER:** It's the most fattening time of the year

All those gingerbread shingles and

chocolate Kris Kringles' will tremble in fear

It's the most fattening time,

it's the belt loosening time,

it's the most fattening time of the year

Kimberly holds a huge plate of turkey and stuffing and walks to a helpless Richard Simmons

**KIMBERLY:** Open wide, Richard, honey!

**RICHARD SIMMONS: HELLLLLLLLLLP!**

**DIDN'T I GET THIS LAST YEAR?**

Zack is in front of a fully decorated Christmas tree, and starts to sing

**ZACK:** Said my nephew Tim to his Aunt Louise

Didn't I get this last year?

Same thing every year, Aunt Louise

Didn't I get this last year?

Some socks, some socks, and tiny BVDs

But I can't get them up past my knees.

Could you return them please, Aunt Louise?

Open this one first, Uncle Bob

Didn't I get this last year?

_Didn't I get this last year?_

Try to act surprised, Uncle Bob

But I got this last year

_But he got this last year_

A tie, A tie, wider than a mile

With a pattern way out of style

_With a pattern way out of style_

Said my girlfriend to my neighbors 'cross the street

I think we got this last year

_I think we got this last year_

What a thoughtful gift, Peg and Al

I think we got this last year

_I think we got this last year_

A plant, a plant, in a moldy mayonnaise jar

They must have dug one up from their yard

_They must have dug one up from their yard_

What my niece and nephew gave me on Christmas day

Didn't I get this last year

_Didn't I get this last year_

Exactly what I want, every year,

Didn't I get this last year

_Didn't I get this last year_

Surprise, surprise, a coupon for some fries

That was really thoughtful, you guys

_That was really thoughtful, you guys_

**I'LL BE STONED FOR CHRISTMAS**

Shane is standing outside, about to go in and join the fun

**SHANE:** I'll be stoned for Christmas

You can plan on me

I must insist on the lemon twist

Martinis by the tree

Christmas eve, you'll find me

Sparking up some green

Rolling bones for Christmas dinner

And sipping Irish Cream

I'll be stoned for Christmas

You can plan on me

I must insist on the lemon twist

Martinis by the tree

Santa Claus will be flying

With his reindeer team

But I'll be crawlin 'round the floor this Christmas

'Cause Hunter hid my keys

**The 12 Pains of Christmas  
  
**Chorus: Andros, Cassie, Ashley, TJ, Carlos, & Zhane:

**CHORUS:** The 1st thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me...

Cut to Aisha & Tanya at a tree lot

...is finding a Christmas tree.  
  
**CHORUS:** the 2nd thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me...

**ADAM:** Wringing up the lights

**CHORUS:** and finding a Christmas tree. (Aisha & Tanya talk over types of trees to get  
  
**CHORUS:** the 3rd thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me... **ROCKY**(after a wild party): Hangovers!

**ADAM(**trying to keep his cool):Wringing up the lights...

**CHORUS:** And finding a Christmas tree!  
  
**CHORUS:** The 4th thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me...

**BILLY**(at a desk): Sending Christmas cards...

**ROCKY:** Hangovers!

**ADAM:** Wringing up the lights! (snarling)

**CHORUS:** and finding a Christmas tree!  
  
**CHORUS:** The 5th thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me...

**TRINI**(also at desk, chorus backing her): 5 months of bills!

**BILLY:** Sending these damn cards!

**ROCKY:** Hangovers!

**ADAM(**has completely lost it): I'M TRYING TO WRING UP THESE LIGHTS! **CHORUS:** And finding a Christmas tree!(Aisha & Tanya are starting to lose their cool)  
  
**CHORUS:** The 6th thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me...

**KIMBERLY:** Facing my in-laws!

**TRINI:** 5 months of...WHAT THE HELL IS THIS FOR?!?

**BILLY:** Send...who's this?

**ROCKY:** Hang...ooooh!

**ADAM:** WHAT...WE'VE GOT NO EXTENTION CORDS?

**CHORUS:** and finding a Christmas tree!(Both girls start yelling at each other)  
  
**CHORUS:** The 7th thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me...

**TOMMY:** Charities!(Turns to look at Kimberly)...AND WHATTYA MEAN YOUR IN- LAWS?!?

**TRINI:** $256.00 for tinsel?

**BILLY:** Who's Mildred?

**ROCKY:** Make it stop!

**ADAM:** GET A FLASHLIGHT, I BLEW A FUSE!

**CHORUS:** And finding a Christmas tree!(Yelling has since become screaming)  
  
**CHORUS:** The 8th thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me...

**ZACK:** Stale TV specials!

**TOMMY:** Do I look like Donald Trump?!?

**KIMBERLY:** Hell, yeah, I mean my in-laws!

**TRINI:** WHERE IN THE HELL DID YOU GET THE TURKEY FROM?!?

**BILLY:** Do we know a Lisa?

**ROCKY:** Oooh, I'd better lie down!

**ADAM:** ONE LIGHT GOES OUT, THEY ALL GO OUT!

**CHORUS:** And finding a Christmas tree!  
  
**CHORUS:** The 9th thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me... **JASON**(snarling): Finding parking spaces!

**ZACK:** Frosty the Snowman again? AAAAAAAAAARRRGGGGGHHHH! **TOMMY:** I am NOT an ATM Machine!

**KIMBERLY:** I gotta make dinner for these turkeys!

**TRINI:** I AM NOT PAYING THIS ONE!

**BILLY:** Who the hell is Michael?

**ROCKY:** ZZZZZZ

**ADAM:** WHY THE HELL AREN'T THEY BLINKING?

**CHORUS:** And finding a Christmas tree!  
  
**CHORUS:** The 10th thing at christmas that's such a pain to me... **KAT**(angrily): Batteries not included!

**JASON:** MOVE IT, YOU IDIOT!

**ZACK:** Wasn't this on last year?

**TOMMY: GET A JOB, YA BUM! **

**KIMBERLY:** She's a witch, I hate her!

**TRINI:** AAAAAAAAARRRRGGGGGGGGHHHH!

**BILLY:** I'm not sending anymore, that's it!

**ROCKY:** (snoring)

**ADAM: FINE, YOU THINK YOU'RE SO SMART, YOU WRING UP THE LIGHTS! CHORUS: **And finding a Christmas tree (Aisha & Tanya's yelling has become a slap fight.)  
  
**CHORUS:** The 11th thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me...

**LEO & KAI**(fighting over Kendrix, and saying this about each other): Spending time with him!

**KAT:** I wonder what Alpha runs on?

**JASON: HEY, GRANDMA, LET'S PICK IT UP! **

**ZACK: **Not Rudolph again!

**TOMMY:** Has anyone heard of working for a living?

**KIMBERLY:** She's always critical! **I HATE HER! **

**TRINI:** (Banging her head against the wall)

**BILLY:** Screw this!(Throws Christmas cards into the fireplace)

**ROCKY:** ZZZZZZZZZZ!

**ADAM:** NO! THE OTHER STRAND WENT OUT!

**CHORUS:** And finding a Christmas tree!(Aisha's pulling Tanya's hair. Tanya hauls off and pops Aisha in the jaw.)  
  
**CHORUS:** The 12th thing at christmas that's such a pain to me...

**JEN**(to Justin): There is NO Santa Claus!

**KAI**(has Leo bound and gagged, and is trying to make time with Kendrix): Now to spend some time with you!

**KAT:** The zords ran a lot better than this.

**JASON:**(beating the crap out of Wes for cutting him off from his parking space)

**ZACK:** It's not such a wonderful life if you were stuck watching bad Christmas TV in Angel Grove!

**TOMMY:** That's it! I'm declaring bankruptcy!

**KIMBERLY:** I've had it! I'm gonna go ninja on the bitch!

**TRINI:** Tommy, can I borrow some money?

**BILLY:** Get those damn cards away from me!

**ROCKY:** Huh? (awakened by a kiss from Serene Angel)

**ADAM:** Stringing lights on the christmas tree!(Has Alpha tied up with christmas lights and a ribbon, with a star on the top of his head)

**CHORUS:** And finding a Christmas tree!(We see Tanya driving off with a tree in the passenger side, and an unconsious, bloody Aisha strapped to the roof.)  
  
**MERRY CHRISTMAS!**


End file.
